Note to self from Jun 2016

有些人說這出戲過於零碎，我卻喜歡這種拼貼對話的過程。

創作與被創作。不同媒介的創作怎麽共享一個舞臺。是否要分主與次？誰在說誰的故事？是否有必要去定義誰的故事比較重要？

還是像小溪和河流的關系，大家都一樣，都只是流向了大海（或最終被蒸發掉再成為雨水也始終得流向大海）的水。

喜歡Artistic Director, Alvin Tan 在節目冊上的話。圓圓整整的放上來，為一種記錄或提醒。

Once, when I was going through a break-up, someone asked me why I was throwing away everything I believed in. Why could I no longer find enough  meaning in these things to carry on as before?

On hindsight, it could have been what I was doing so as for myself.

We can only be fully accountable for our lives when we are living our goals and achieving them for ourselves. Then, projects, platforms and entities will become sustainable in this age of uncertainty. Featuring the self in the mission and/or vision is necessary and desirable.

As there are many interest groups arising, if you do not fight or have the stamina to be recognised or credited, you might cease to be and become invisible.

How do we write our stories before they are written and incorporated into other people's stories - if they are written at all? What if there is only one perspective available, eclipsing the nuances of your story?

In addition, what happens when one of your stories is disrupted and never fully realized? Are you able to write yourself out of its predicted end? Can you write another story and not continue in someone else's narrative of your life?

As with all good storytelling, the protagonist's want/intent meets with a  few obstacles. The audience members then assess how s/he overcomes them or falls victim to their pressure or oppressions. What are the means, stakes and outcomes? At the end of the struggle, does s/he survive with his/her dignity intact? Even if the struggle destroys one's dignity, was the journey noble and was the fight good?

At the end of the day, the person driving the story has to be self-assured and have the confidence to be in the driver's seat - whether s/he is in a collaborative mode or not, and whether s/he is ready to reveal his/her vulnerability as the story unfolds. It is of great importance that one attends to the self, healthy and unbroken. How that affects the way the story is told and its universe of possible subtext is quite another point altogether.

Ghost writer is a re-working of Gitanjali [I feel the earth move] (2014). We make decisions in life as well as in our art-making. Sometimes, we see that the journey is not quite complete and there is a need to return to where we left off, to ask questions so that we do not dispose if what we have, and continue investigation by re-working it. The luxury is having the resources to dedicate ourselves to continuing the journey, making new decisions with new collaborators, and having significant milestones if the past journey informing us. This reminds me of how we used to work when The Necessary Stage began developing its devising methodology, when re-working/re-staging become a part of our process. Very quickly, 29 years have passed and our approach still includes re-working of a work - when the new is different, yet familiar. All I know is that the working process ultimately refines the methodology I hope to one day leave behind for those who might find it useful; yet another story of a theatre company that once existed, dedicating itself to creating original works.

For me, Ghost Writer is about how we should write our own narratives. Numerous happenings in life inspire and inform us, but we owe it to ourselves to be accountable for the lives we lead. No one can be in the driver seats of our cars, and no one should be held responsible for how our lives turn out.

It leaves me now to thank my wonderful collaborators for staying with us throughout yet another process - playing, creating and re-creating with so much passion - and you, the audience, for being here and for all your support throughout the years.

身體功課（4）

I was ordered to come out of the pose.

Yearning to re-create yesterday's experience and stop the impending flow of tears, I just wanted to get into the supported head stand. I just wanted my legs to get up. I just wanted to stay upside down. It was a series of just-wanting-tos. And she said, come down.

"What is your attitude towards this pose? Why are you in a rush? What is your intention? Were you checking whether your shoulders are balanced? Whether you are supported? Why are you in a hurry to get up? "

The series of questions came fast and furious.

I was still digesting over her words on the intimacy between the practicer and the practice. Being honest and sincere with our body, respecting our body and our tightness, and starting from the current stage. Not comparing and rushing into the stage where one wants to be.

Again, I was musing on your comments.

I asked once what's your ideal type?

You refused to take that question as you said I would compare and then beat myself up. You told me, be yourself.

I misread those remarks as a skillful maneuvering of an experienced player.
Continuing with my obsessiveness and compulsiveness,  I continued my mental floggings of myself and driving to achieve that state where I imagined myself or we to be in.

Yet, who is to judge and determine the ideal state? Who am I trying to contort and twist myself into?

At the end of the session, she shared on her experience on the degradation of her neck and encouraged me to not give up while not rushing into things.

Achieving that fine balance in life, step by step.

身體功課（3）

The stability when I was able to be the asana. The clarity and cloudiness of thoughts coming and going as the sensations flow throughout the body.
The irritations and the pain. The inability to create the bliss from the past and the ability to realign and create the future, while staying in the moment. The balancing of forces to contain and hold the body. The waves of emotions, thoughts and distractions.
And, the final peace and stillness.

*Creating traction by pushing the point of the index finger and the ball of the feet. Then lift, don't drop. The prana has to move.
*It is a lift from the inside. The fountain of joy. It is not a push from your ego.
*Use the tools as a support. You need the support.
*Do not use brute force.
*Do not manipulate your body. Where is your alignment? Your lines and energy?
*It is an inner confidence. Sometimes you need a helping hand but eventually you have to do it yourself.

身體功課 （2.5）

最近思緒跳躍，同一時間想看好幾本書。想趁還未消化不良時，把資訊好好的過一邊，用身心靈記住，再體現出來。

或許如此，今晚的瑜伽課，五官對外面的種種感官格外敏感。車鳴聲。咖喱飯的氣味。搓麻將的鄰居。燈光。心猿意馬，在練習時，一手抓猴子，一手控制馬匹 。 在收心過程，人很慌也好怕。

身體，好多感觸。
牙齒。舌頭。嘴唇。右臉頰。雙腳。
納悶，有道具扶持卻不會善用其器：

1.有了一張椅子的支撐，卻不曉得如何拉起，伸長，再展開心胸。

2. 明明有繩子拉著，腳跟也著地，雙腳卻猛發抖。這抖是我這兩三年瘋狂運動所經歷最利害的一次。

3.畫面接踵而來，來不及解讀就被另外一個畫面取代。但，在那一系列heart openers 時，你的那張照片揮之不去。就連我停止，不做了，面對畫面說滾開。你，還在。

本來想分享這一切，醞釀了半晚。就連在savasannah也不能好好地把自己交給大地

終於大夥圍起來分享時，只說了一句， I felt many sensations.

老師馬上就說，Hold on to your sensations ，do not make stories out of it.  The first step to face up to your fear.

我再說，my legs are shaking.
她回答，Where is your foundation?  Are you supporting yourself? Your energy is dropping. Yet this is a good start.

經過大家連連分享自己怎麽從瑜伽減壓的，她最後落了一句 “Before you quit, ask yourself why? " 結束了今晚的課。

在收拾瑜伽墊與各種道具之前，我再度閉上眼睛。想給你傳送正能量和祝福，願你一切都好。

52hz

白鯨魚/鐵盒子/揭不開的，我愛你。

身體功課

今天去瑜伽課練習的就是走路。

Right left right left 到 lift lift lift move move move land land land, 還有學習站立。我的腳外斜，要站是吃力的。腳為根本，要吸取大地之氣，必須要著地。

老師又提到if you don't make a stand and find your legs, you will always feel sorry for yourself, you will always be seeking outside for approval, wanting to lean on someone.

這次在瑜伽課哭的稀裏嘩啦，雖然是有片刻的寧靜，但胃還殘留一陣噁心。這樣的自己當自己也唾棄，要怎麽亮起來呢？我要蛻變，我要走出／下去，我要每一刻都覺得我盡力了。像今天的每一步。

關照自己這三年確實有種執著，找尋一個靈魂伴侶。每一個放不下的人，最終也會放下,往前走。在尋找的過程中，發現這一個比上一個，更契合。

這次的難過有點不同，他的刪掉好像一面鏡子讓我好好關照自己。

身體在瓦解。而，我必須重視身體了 不能再虐待她了。

這一年來，她發出好多好多警訊，接二連三的。

兩三周，右耳堵著。

星期四按摩後站起來右眼看不到。一片模糊，還有黑斑。手機沒電。我好擔心是眼角膜脫落。一個人去急診室掛號等待。（這個時候腦筋還響起兩只老虎。只是兩只化為一只。）肚子餓，去買碗面吃，又突然看得見了。就回家睡覺不當一回事。

早上起來好想跟他見面。發了一連串毫無頭緒的訊息。最後，他告訴我他所處的地方。但礙於工作，走不開。（其實要走也沒人知道，但我騙不了自己。）

稍候跟他說對不起，我很想去，但走不開。他就把我刪掉，一去不回。我是氣憤的。氣的不是他，是我自己。發出去的信息太急，太猛 ，讓人抓不到頭緒。

走不開，為何要問別人兩個人何時要做無？
這個intention又沒有好好的follow through into action. 所以我們一直處於start stop start stop 的階段。我累，他或許更累。

他的內心或許也是脆弱的。自我保護，像個鐵盒子，開了點又關，密不透風，不讓人窺視。每次他露出小小細縫，我欣喜若狂，起了貪戀，想更了解盒子裏面的內容。卻老是用蠻力，傷人傷己。

他把我刪掉後，我又向他拋出一輪的情緒發泄。原來喜歡一個人的蠻力和野蠻，可以這麽不受控制，不敢面對自己，所以也把一切的一切刪掉。

我要怎麽樣溫柔一點呢？善待自己，更善待他人？喜歡是可以不需要那麽用力吧？

這便是我要練習的功課。

只是，還來不及跟他說聲謝謝。對於一個陳舊的記憶和愧疚，他給予我一些新觀點。他也給了懵懂的我一些建議，只有心靜了下來，才感受到這鐵盒子的溫暖。他不是一個數字，而是一頓無緣的晚餐與三個月的文字陪伴。