Sunday, 18 December 2016

Life lessons

In the process of doing up an excel spreadsheet to reflect on 2016.

Halfway through, I laughed.

Someone up there is very fair,是真的,生活給你一點不給你一點。

Those feelings I desired from work was provided during the DJ training. Those evenings were draining, and yet I looked forward to them. Kinda like Wednesdays with 虎師.

She didn't have to but she was very gracious and credited my ideas on air.
She further value added and weaved in her thoughts.
She was humble and very mindful on how her actions could impact me.
Her dedication to her craft and continuously to be better.
Lastly, what touched me was the authenticity and the honesty to have difficult conversations.

Comparison results in expectations and expectations results in disappointments. Yoga taught me to nurture inside instead of pointing outwards.

Penning my recent thoughts down to map out my 2017 desired feelings-

How do I stand firm and yet be able to take in the views of others to generate the best possible outcome?
How do I work towards being a leader who ensure my team is guided, supported and credited?
How do I be kinder to myself and the people I love and love me?

Through this series of meetings, some observations and reflections
Reminder to always stay humble.
What you have done in the past may not be relevant now or in the future. Each market is unique, seek to understand first then apply past experience.
不要自我感覺良好而忽視別人。
Be present.

Monday, 12 December 2016

身體功課

Another practice on life.

During the heart openers, she said, lift from the inside. Don't use brute strength. Using brute strength is not resilience, but hardness. Breathing in, imagine the strength originating from the inner body.

It was not an easy practice.

Right bunion acting up. The ache turned into a dull pain. Before class, my right side lower intestine felt choke. It's according to the homeopath where the big meets the small. And my right thigh just couldn't come down.

My yoga teacher said too much doing.
I replied, tell my boss.
She said, don't blame outside. Nurture inside.

Monday, 24 October 2016

而立(1)

那晚的瑜伽课胸口闷闷的好久,下课后只想喝热可可或红酒,加上巧克力。因为支持朋友的项目,所以去拍了照,也聊了很久。三十而立,在迈向不惑的这十年,会是怎么样的过程?

聊起今年16~17顿无缘的饭局。聊起这几年的一期一会。聊起他。朋友的摄影助理竟然也是1975年的,我心砰了一下。朋友告诉我来的人都有自己精彩的故事,也对生命有热诚。只是有一群人想得比较多,另外群人就过日子型的。

有点羡慕不多愁善感,没有太多的情绪,也不drama的人。然,沒有情緒,無法被感動的人,是我想要的自己嗎?

我不知道也。
願十年後,我真的可以不惑。


Saturday, 8 October 2016

081016

只為了親身經歷白雲圍繞旭日的景色,伸手能碰到雲的興奮,在離開新加坡往巴裏島的前一天,訂了Mount Batur sunrise trek + hot springs一日遊。對於登山完全沒經驗,一個十足的扁平足,還要在1點出發,3-4點開始攀爬,有點像不可能的任務。更阿Q地不看網友們的評論,反正既來之則安之。可以爬到哪裏就爬到哪裏。

海邊宿舍的眾妹子聽到這位大姐要去爬山,都瞪大了眼睛,決定饒了我,不強求我和她們一起到海邊狂趴-- 這夜夜夜都醉的宿舍集體活動。

因為是活火山,遍地的火山泥,地質松軟。又有幾處都是石頭,一踩就滾動。眼看雙腳穿的是普通運動鞋,眾登山團員望著我,心裏是否暗琢這小孩是來亂的。前半部分還是能走的,後半部分步步驚心。

Ketut 是國家指定的登山領隊。他發現我落後很多,便和另外一個領隊對調,走在我後面。他時不時給我推一把,也好幾次拉著我的手,讓我借力使力。最後的部分,越來越難怕,我跟他說,我怕。怕什麽,他問。我答不出,因為怕的是下坡路。還沒攻頂怕下坡的人,有沒有?

面對下坡我的不知所措,他偶而拖著我跑下山,不時發出dont think just do it, jump 的口令。我腿軟動彈不得,他說好那我背你下去,我馬上就會noooo開始動起來。

一路上坡下坡有說有笑。他問我家裏有誰,然後又問我結婚了否。本來就對他沒戒心就一五一十的道出。但,進一步問,有沒有男朋友。心裏有點緊張,又害怕結外生枝。就騙他說有。他說幾時結婚,我答ask God. 他說他孤家寡人,很期待God給他一個伴侶。我安靜不語。

然後,他說了一段獨白,再唱了一首印尼歌曲。快到終點了,我雞皮疙瘩,越走越快把我們的距離拉的遠遠的。

他突然間沖上來,手裏拿了一朵花。
“This flower is special to my kampung. It means make love"
我尷尬地僵在那裏,他閃了一邊去接電話。
把花拎了一段距離,眼前看到路口的小廟宇,便把花放在石墻上。
May your God brings you your love.

Friday, 7 October 2016

身體功課(7)

How long have one forgotten how to pick ourselves up and laugh heartily at our falls?

Did not have the arms fixed firmly on the ground. With legs on the hammock, charged forward from the plank, lost my balance and charged towards the floor. A loud thud. Everyone gasped. Picked myself up and laughed.

Pak asked if it hurts, I laughed.
All's well, Pak, namaste.

Sunday, 2 October 2016

身體功課(6)

It is difficult isn't it? 

To stop interpreting, just observe, accept and don't judge. 
She said that's you, you can't cherry pick those bits you like. You have to accept it.  You can't throw yourself away, can you? 

I laughed.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

身體功課(5)

右耳,原來長了蘑菇,偶爾還會嗡嗡作響。暫時不能遊泳。瑜伽老師更不讓倒立。今年身體一再渴望甜食,再一再的發炎,到這個定點老娘受夠了。溫柔的愛待這幅身體是近期的功課。

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Note to self from Jun 2016

有些人說這出戲過於零碎,我卻喜歡這種拼貼對話的過程。

創作與被創作。不同媒介的創作怎麽共享一個舞臺。是否要分主與次?誰在說誰的故事?是否有必要去定義誰的故事比較重要?

還是像小溪和河流的關系,大家都一樣,都只是流向了大海(或最終被蒸發掉再成為雨水也始終得流向大海)的水。

喜歡Artistic Director, Alvin Tan 在節目冊上的話。圓圓整整的放上來,為一種記錄或提醒。

Once, when I was going through a break-up, someone asked me why I was throwing away everything I believed in. Why could I no longer find enough  meaning in these things to carry on as before?

On hindsight, it could have been what I was doing so as for myself.

We can only be fully accountable for our lives when we are living our goals and achieving them for ourselves. Then, projects, platforms and entities will become sustainable in this age of uncertainty. Featuring the self in the mission and/or vision is necessary and desirable.

As there are many interest groups arising, if you do not fight or have the stamina to be recognised or credited, you might cease to be and become invisible.

How do we write our stories before they are written and incorporated into other people's stories - if they are written at all? What if there is only one perspective available, eclipsing the nuances of your story?

In addition, what happens when one of your stories is disrupted and never fully realized? Are you able to write yourself out of its predicted end? Can you write another story and not continue in someone else's narrative of your life?

As with all good storytelling, the protagonist's want/intent meets with a  few obstacles. The audience members then assess how s/he overcomes them or falls victim to their pressure or oppressions. What are the means, stakes and outcomes? At the end of the struggle, does s/he survive with his/her dignity intact? Even if the struggle destroys one's dignity, was the journey noble and was the fight good?

At the end of the day, the person driving the story has to be self-assured and have the confidence to be in the driver's seat - whether s/he is in a collaborative mode or not, and whether s/he is ready to reveal his/her vulnerability as the story unfolds. It is of great importance that one attends to the self, healthy and unbroken. How that affects the way the story is told and its universe of possible subtext is quite another point altogether.

Ghost writer is a re-working of Gitanjali [I feel the earth move] (2014). We make decisions in life as well as in our art-making. Sometimes, we see that the journey is not quite complete and there is a need to return to where we left off, to ask questions so that we do not dispose if what we have, and continue investigation by re-working it. The luxury is having the resources to dedicate ourselves to continuing the journey, making new decisions with new collaborators, and having significant milestones if the past journey informing us. This reminds me of how we used to work when The Necessary Stage began developing its devising methodology, when re-working/re-staging become a part of our process. Very quickly, 29 years have passed and our approach still includes re-working of a work - when the new is different, yet familiar. All I know is that the working process ultimately refines the methodology I hope to one day leave behind for those who might find it useful; yet another story of a theatre company that once existed, dedicating itself to creating original works.

For me, Ghost Writer is about how we should write our own narratives. Numerous happenings in life inspire and inform us, but we owe it to ourselves to be accountable for the lives we lead. No one can be in the driver seats of our cars, and no one should be held responsible for how our lives turn out.

It leaves me now to thank my wonderful collaborators for staying with us throughout yet another process - playing, creating and re-creating with so much passion - and you, the audience, for being here and for all your support throughout the years.

Monday, 26 September 2016

身體功課(4)

I was ordered to come out of the pose.

Yearning to re-create yesterday's experience and stop the impending flow of tears, I just wanted to get into the supported head stand. I just wanted my legs to get up. I just wanted to stay upside down. It was a series of just-wanting-tos. And she said, come down.

"What is your attitude towards this pose? Why are you in a rush? What is your intention? Were you checking whether your shoulders are balanced? Whether you are supported? Why are you in a hurry to get up? "

The series of questions came fast and furious.

I was still digesting over her words on the intimacy between the practicer and the practice. Being honest and sincere with our body, respecting our body and our tightness, and starting from the current stage. Not comparing and rushing into the stage where one wants to be.

Again, I was musing on your comments.

I asked once what's your ideal type?

You refused to take that question as you said I would compare and then beat myself up. You told me, be yourself.

I misread those remarks as a skillful maneuvering of an experienced player.
Continuing with my obsessiveness and compulsiveness,  I continued my mental floggings of myself and driving to achieve that state where I imagined myself or we to be in.

Yet, who is to judge and determine the ideal state? Who am I trying to contort and twist myself into?

At the end of the session, she shared on her experience on the degradation of her neck and encouraged me to not give up while not rushing into things.

Achieving that fine balance in life, step by step.

Sunday, 25 September 2016

身體功課(3)

The stability when I was able to be the asana. The clarity and cloudiness of thoughts coming and going as the sensations flow throughout the body.
The irritations and the pain. The inability to create the bliss from the past and the ability to realign and create the future, while staying in the moment. The balancing of forces to contain and hold the body. The waves of emotions, thoughts and distractions.
And, the final peace and stillness.

*Creating traction by pushing the point of the index finger and the ball of the feet. Then lift, don't drop. The prana has to move.
*It is a lift from the inside. The fountain of joy. It is not a push from your ego.
*Use the tools as a support. You need the support.
*Do not use brute force.
*Do not manipulate your body. Where is your alignment? Your lines and energy?
*It is an inner confidence. Sometimes you need a helping hand but eventually you have to do it yourself.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

身體功課 (2.5)

最近思緒跳躍,同一時間想看好幾本書。想趁還未消化不良時,把資訊好好的過一邊,用身心靈記住,再體現出來。

或許如此,今晚的瑜伽課,五官對外面的種種感官格外敏感。車鳴聲。咖喱飯的氣味。搓麻將的鄰居。燈光。心猿意馬,在練習時,一手抓猴子,一手控制馬匹 。 在收心過程,人很慌也好怕。

身體,好多感觸。
牙齒。舌頭。嘴唇。右臉頰。雙腳。
納悶,有道具扶持卻不會善用其器:

1.有了一張椅子的支撐,卻不曉得如何拉起,伸長,再展開心胸。

2. 明明有繩子拉著,腳跟也著地,雙腳卻猛發抖。這抖是我這兩三年瘋狂運動所經歷最利害的一次。

3.畫面接踵而來,來不及解讀就被另外一個畫面取代。但,在那一系列heart openers 時,你的那張照片揮之不去。就連我停止,不做了,面對畫面說滾開。你,還在。

本來想分享這一切,醞釀了半晚。就連在savasannah也不能好好地把自己交給大地

終於大夥圍起來分享時,只說了一句, I felt many sensations.

老師馬上就說,Hold on to your sensations ,do not make stories out of it.  The first step to face up to your fear.

我再說,my legs are shaking.
她回答,Where is your foundation?  Are you supporting yourself? Your energy is dropping. Yet this is a good start.

經過大家連連分享自己怎麽從瑜伽減壓的,她最後落了一句 “Before you quit, ask yourself why? " 結束了今晚的課。

在收拾瑜伽墊與各種道具之前,我再度閉上眼睛。想給你傳送正能量和祝福,願你一切都好。

Friday, 16 September 2016

52hz

白鯨魚/鐵盒子/揭不開的,我愛你。

Monday, 12 September 2016

身體功課

今天去瑜伽課練習的就是走路。

Right left right left 到 lift lift lift move move move land land land, 還有學習站立。我的腳外斜,要站是吃力的。腳為根本,要吸取大地之氣,必須要著地。

老師又提到if you don't make a stand and find your legs, you will always feel sorry for yourself, you will always be seeking outside for approval, wanting to lean on someone.

這次在瑜伽課哭的稀裏嘩啦,雖然是有片刻的寧靜,但胃還殘留一陣噁心。這樣的自己當自己也唾棄,要怎麽亮起來呢?我要蛻變,我要走出/下去,我要每一刻都覺得我盡力了。像今天的每一步。

關照自己這三年確實有種執著,找尋一個靈魂伴侶。每一個放不下的人,最終也會放下,往前走。在尋找的過程中,發現這一個比上一個,更契合。

這次的難過有點不同,他的刪掉好像一面鏡子讓我好好關照自己。

身體在瓦解。而,我必須重視身體了 不能再虐待她了。

這一年來,她發出好多好多警訊,接二連三的。

兩三周,右耳堵著。

星期四按摩後站起來右眼看不到。一片模糊,還有黑斑。手機沒電。我好擔心是眼角膜脫落。一個人去急診室掛號等待。(這個時候腦筋還響起兩只老虎。只是兩只化為一只。)肚子餓,去買碗面吃,又突然看得見了。就回家睡覺不當一回事。

早上起來好想跟他見面。發了一連串毫無頭緒的訊息。最後,他告訴我他所處的地方。但礙於工作,走不開。(其實要走也沒人知道,但我騙不了自己。)

稍候跟他說對不起,我很想去,但走不開。他就把我刪掉,一去不回。我是氣憤的。氣的不是他,是我自己。發出去的信息太急,太猛 ,讓人抓不到頭緒。

走不開,為何要問別人兩個人何時要做無?
這個intention又沒有好好的follow through into action. 所以我們一直處於start stop start stop 的階段。我累,他或許更累。

他的內心或許也是脆弱的。自我保護,像個鐵盒子,開了點又關,密不透風,不讓人窺視。每次他露出小小細縫,我欣喜若狂,起了貪戀,想更了解盒子裏面的內容。卻老是用蠻力,傷人傷己。

他把我刪掉後,我又向他拋出一輪的情緒發泄。原來喜歡一個人的蠻力和野蠻,可以這麽不受控制,不敢面對自己,所以也把一切的一切刪掉。

我要怎麽樣溫柔一點呢?善待自己,更善待他人?喜歡是可以不需要那麽用力吧?

這便是我要練習的功課。

只是,還來不及跟他說聲謝謝。對於一個陳舊的記憶和愧疚,他給予我一些新觀點。他也給了懵懂的我一些建議,只有心靜了下來,才感受到這鐵盒子的溫暖。他不是一個數字,而是一頓無緣的晚餐與三個月的文字陪伴。

Monday, 8 August 2016

0708

貪婪地抓住最後一刻,僵在沙發,睡意正濃,書都掉了,都不肯梳洗就寢。
缺席的依然缺席。望穿秋水,也沒用。一顆心不能這麽樣的蕩下去,只好接受,他忘了,他忙,他還有別的事更重要。
好像生命中,總會出現那個不存在的情人。若即若離。不是愛轉圈圈,就是在一旁,看著別人一顆心這樣蕩著。
像只小貓跑去跟老包發app撒嬌:
幹嘛每一年都碰到這樣狀況。總是要到最後不愛了,那些人才長腦記得。
或許他記得,故意不祝賀。
Why so strange?
Men are strange creatures.
OK fine I accepted that. Guess I'll build my own library and write my own story.
Once again, happy birthday. May all your wishes come true.

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

0706

<淑女的煩惱>

倫敦說 他要脫歐 要出來 非出來
倫敦鎊 就跌下來
跌得很快

#一首诗 #2016第六天 #pjong
#黑色幽默 #淑女的煩惱

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

候補上

<Happen>

害羞的城市人  望著銀幕裏
一場場的經過與錯過
衛星定位
劃出了 城市的心圖
我們卻 來去匆匆 
邂逅走了
留下晚餐 消化不良
後來明白 唯一是條
你我都要願意抓住的紅線

0705

<那些毛教我的事>

浴缸裏的泡泡,走失了
留下一池憂愁,轉涼
門外傳來 新聞報道
恐怖主義 炸彈 爆炸 英脫歐 水獺工作小組
溜進了排水孔
僅存一堆毛 礙眼 卻 懶得清理

#一首诗 #2016第五天 #pjong
#剃毛 #偷听偷窥 #自恋

Monday, 4 July 2016

0704

<給最深愛的陌生人>

害羞的城市人  望著銀幕裏
一場場的經過與錯過
衛星定位
劃出了 城市的心圖
我們卻 來去匆匆 
邂逅走了
留下晚餐 消化不良

#致陌生人 #吸引你的理由 #pjong

Sunday, 3 July 2016

0703

<作者,恍然大悟>

那些影子 餓死於 桌腳下
書爬行於地面
吃包的小貓咪們
对他睥睨

#一首诗 #2016第三天 #pjong
#诗歌接龙
#沒接上卻打亂 #2016第一星期

Saturday, 2 July 2016

周末補給品

<S 11 存在感危機>

舌尖 舌扁 不如 水蛇腰
青菜 芥蓝 不如 嫩豆腐
你說 我說 不如 杯guiness stout
樓上的女人 樓下的男人 都不怕黑

0702

船在岸上 劍在鞘裏 
葡萄在木桶裏發酵
手指  熒幕   欲言又止
誰成了思想的恐怖分子?

Friday, 1 July 2016

0701

牛奶錯過了有效期
夏天錯過了蟬
流星錯過了黑夜
你莫名來電
溫柔探出了一句
打錯了

Sunday, 26 June 2016

還來不及跟你說 那裏是留給虛構的人物
和已不存在的戀人。


Saturday, 25 June 2016

我城(1)

拐錯了彎才找到了這間店。通過窄道走過了吧臺,豁然開朗。六個書桌,完美的距離,溫暖的燈光,很適合文字降落。

在一個感覺很村上春樹的地方,不想喝威士忌,選了西班牙產的紅酒。你說這是full bodied的哦。我微笑,很搭burrata嘛。

我是挑剔的,想把後面發酒瘋嚷嚷的男女拖出去斬。店長察覺我的不悅,添了紅酒,說this on me. Stay, I'll play some jazz later.

之後再遞過來Miles Davis 的 A kind of Blue。

Oh! How did you know this the one?

無需言語的默契。
漫漫長路,能夠有多少如此的機遇呢?

Friday, 24 June 2016

日常生活(二)

日安,
洗臉盆裏
一堆毛
無聲以對

賭你,
外星人在等 開盤
無法下註
因為我不想輸

瑣碎,
一堵墻 翻不過
只能 祝你生活美滿。

Monday, 20 June 2016

病人3738

她後來才發現沒有什麽比胃寒還可怕的。

一開始,肚子明明很餓,卻沒食欲。面包飯和面條都是碳水化合物,不吃。油炸煎物太油,不吃。不好吃的,別浪費卡路裏,挑著吃。

現在可好了,喝下的湯食不管多燙,熱氣沿著嘴唇味蕾食道,抵達胃卻蕩然無存。

“ 我的胃成了冷宮,空蕩蕩,什麽都沒有。只是一陣冷風。“

Monday, 6 June 2016

病人3902

他咳了兩聲。

身體隨之開始抽搐,喉嚨的經脈顫抖,又引發一系列的幹咳。身體雖無法掙脫輪椅的捆綁,咳嗽聲,卻鏗鏘有力,控訴著靈不滿與無奈。

母親,妻子和幫傭都在身旁。一陣手忙腳亂安撫了他後,妻子又面不改色繼續和母親說明現代手機的功能。

“ 你看吧,還可以修復照片,好靚吧。“
“ 敏敏在國外傳來的照片,再給我看看。 “
“ Mother, 等下我們可以通過手機跟敏敏facetime。不用還錢的。“
“ 以前,阿豪在英國念書時,嫌電話費很貴,都不打電話回來。偶爾,才寄明信片。現在,阿豪...“

幫傭在一旁,意識到老太太憂慮的眼神,開始給他按摩頸項,輕拍背部。

他安靜了下來,她的手也停了。