Monday, 2 January 2017

Perfection

It didn't occur to me I'll cry again today.

Ending the class calm, with a flow of om shanti shanti and palms clasped together in gratitude, I was in a moment of peace.

E told the class the story of a lotus. A lotus is like us, how the roots were firmly planted into the mud and yet  the flower rise above and beyond from the mud. The pods hold the seeds and when a seed fall into the mud, another life and rebirth. Impermanence and forever. She also touched on samsara, wandering in Sanskrit. The endless cycles of life.

When it was my turn to share, I choked on my words and tears.

I shared on Ms Not Good Enough, Beat Herself Up and Fix It. Then tears flowed and I wasn't able to articulate how I was going through the cycles of samsara in the past years, one relationship to another, beating myself and someone else up for not being good enough. What's good enough? And how do one see beyond the physical form to see the beauty inside?

E said, a lotus is beautiful on its own. Look beyond and see the inner beauty.

I said, I saw hues of pink when gazing at the white lotus.

E replied, pink is the color of universal love.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Life lessons

In the process of doing up an excel spreadsheet to reflect on 2016.

Halfway through, I laughed.

Someone up there is very fair,是真的,生活給你一點不給你一點。

Those feelings I desired from work was provided during the DJ training. Those evenings were draining, and yet I looked forward to them. Kinda like Wednesdays with 虎師.

She didn't have to but she was very gracious and credited my ideas on air.
She further value added and weaved in her thoughts.
She was humble and very mindful on how her actions could impact me.
Her dedication to her craft and continuously to be better.
Lastly, what touched me was the authenticity and the honesty to have difficult conversations.

Comparison results in expectations and expectations results in disappointments. Yoga taught me to nurture inside instead of pointing outwards.

Penning my recent thoughts down to map out my 2017 desired feelings-

How do I stand firm and yet be able to take in the views of others to generate the best possible outcome?
How do I work towards being a leader who ensure my team is guided, supported and credited?
How do I be kinder to myself and the people I love and love me?

Through this series of meetings, some observations and reflections
Reminder to always stay humble.
What you have done in the past may not be relevant now or in the future. Each market is unique, seek to understand first then apply past experience.
不要自我感覺良好而忽視別人。
Be present.

Monday, 12 December 2016

身體功課

Another practice on life.

During the heart openers, she said, lift from the inside. Don't use brute strength. Using brute strength is not resilience, but hardness. Breathing in, imagine the strength originating from the inner body.

It was not an easy practice.

Right bunion acting up. The ache turned into a dull pain. Before class, my right side lower intestine felt choke. It's according to the homeopath where the big meets the small. And my right thigh just couldn't come down.

My yoga teacher said too much doing.
I replied, tell my boss.
She said, don't blame outside. Nurture inside.

Monday, 24 October 2016

而立(1)

那晚的瑜伽课胸口闷闷的好久,下课后只想喝热可可或红酒,加上巧克力。因为支持朋友的项目,所以去拍了照,也聊了很久。三十而立,在迈向不惑的这十年,会是怎么样的过程?

聊起今年16~17顿无缘的饭局。聊起这几年的一期一会。聊起他。朋友的摄影助理竟然也是1975年的,我心砰了一下。朋友告诉我来的人都有自己精彩的故事,也对生命有热诚。只是有一群人想得比较多,另外群人就过日子型的。

有点羡慕不多愁善感,没有太多的情绪,也不drama的人。然,沒有情緒,無法被感動的人,是我想要的自己嗎?

我不知道也。
願十年後,我真的可以不惑。


Saturday, 8 October 2016

081016

只為了親身經歷白雲圍繞旭日的景色,伸手能碰到雲的興奮,在離開新加坡往巴裏島的前一天,訂了Mount Batur sunrise trek + hot springs一日遊。對於登山完全沒經驗,一個十足的扁平足,還要在1點出發,3-4點開始攀爬,有點像不可能的任務。更阿Q地不看網友們的評論,反正既來之則安之。可以爬到哪裏就爬到哪裏。

海邊宿舍的眾妹子聽到這位大姐要去爬山,都瞪大了眼睛,決定饒了我,不強求我和她們一起到海邊狂趴-- 這夜夜夜都醉的宿舍集體活動。

因為是活火山,遍地的火山泥,地質松軟。又有幾處都是石頭,一踩就滾動。眼看雙腳穿的是普通運動鞋,眾登山團員望著我,心裏是否暗琢這小孩是來亂的。前半部分還是能走的,後半部分步步驚心。

Ketut 是國家指定的登山領隊。他發現我落後很多,便和另外一個領隊對調,走在我後面。他時不時給我推一把,也好幾次拉著我的手,讓我借力使力。最後的部分,越來越難怕,我跟他說,我怕。怕什麽,他問。我答不出,因為怕的是下坡路。還沒攻頂怕下坡的人,有沒有?

面對下坡我的不知所措,他偶而拖著我跑下山,不時發出dont think just do it, jump 的口令。我腿軟動彈不得,他說好那我背你下去,我馬上就會noooo開始動起來。

一路上坡下坡有說有笑。他問我家裏有誰,然後又問我結婚了否。本來就對他沒戒心就一五一十的道出。但,進一步問,有沒有男朋友。心裏有點緊張,又害怕結外生枝。就騙他說有。他說幾時結婚,我答ask God. 他說他孤家寡人,很期待God給他一個伴侶。我安靜不語。

然後,他說了一段獨白,再唱了一首印尼歌曲。快到終點了,我雞皮疙瘩,越走越快把我們的距離拉的遠遠的。

他突然間沖上來,手裏拿了一朵花。
“This flower is special to my kampung. It means make love"
我尷尬地僵在那裏,他閃了一邊去接電話。
把花拎了一段距離,眼前看到路口的小廟宇,便把花放在石墻上。
May your God brings you your love.

Friday, 7 October 2016

身體功課(7)

How long have one forgotten how to pick ourselves up and laugh heartily at our falls?

Did not have the arms fixed firmly on the ground. With legs on the hammock, charged forward from the plank, lost my balance and charged towards the floor. A loud thud. Everyone gasped. Picked myself up and laughed.

Pak asked if it hurts, I laughed.
All's well, Pak, namaste.

Sunday, 2 October 2016

身體功課(6)

It is difficult isn't it? 

To stop interpreting, just observe, accept and don't judge. 
She said that's you, you can't cherry pick those bits you like. You have to accept it.  You can't throw yourself away, can you? 

I laughed.